Let this be a warning to you, “rest of the world” – never come to Perth. Ever.

It totally sucks here…. “The pimple on the right cheek of Australia,” Paul Keating was once quoted as saying. (fake quote)

You’re well advised to avoid the outrageously long-flight needed to get here. Save your money and head to Adelaide or the other Australian Perth.

Not only is Perth the second most isolated ‘capital city’ on planet Earth, it’s a terrible place to visit and ESPECIALLY to live. The people, the geography, the food, weather, the lifestyle, basically everything about Perth is just the worst.

Presenting, the worst city in the world.

The Beaches

There are no good beaches to be found in Perth.

Now Trending

So Eagles, So Freo Part 2

So Eagles, So Freo Part 2 has launched and it's bigger and better than the original.

The beaches have clean white sands, pristine waters, mesmerising surf and romantic, life changing ocean sunsets. Sights that are simply not worth seeing.

Nothing to see here... Perth Beaches.
Nothing to see here… Perth Beaches.

Sexy People

There are far too many sexy people in Perth.

Not only is Perth home to some of the sexiest people known to man, there are far too many of them here. So many so, that we have to ship them off the Hollywood or to model in cities like Paris or Milan.

Megan Gale, not even.
Megan Gale, not even.

It’s Sunny, All The Time

Perth is the sunniest ‘capital city’ in the world.

The city is also by far the sunniest major city in Australia (in your face Queensland) – averaging about 8 hours of sunlight per day across the year. Vitamin D deficiency problems? Not here. Worst city ever.




Black Swans

We invented them.

They are from the Swan River. That’s in Perth.

Mumma swan and her swanlings at dusk in #eastperth

A video posted by Ryan Northover (@ryannorthover) on

Dolphins

Hate the idea of living in a city where you can see Dolphins basically every day?

You will want to avoid Perth at all costs.

In the Swan River, pods of dolphins roam, chasing schools of fish, right next the the city skyscrapers. Not even.

#swanriver #dolphins #perth A video posted by Ryan Northover (@ryannorthover) on




Cultural Events

Perth has the worst best cultural events ever.

#GiantsofPerth? WTF? Perth International Arts Festival? Fringe World? What a waste of time and money. Who needs to be inspired, to bring people together in peace and harmony? Worst city ever.

Ridiculously Good Looking People

Pretty much everyone in Perth is ridiculously good looking and famous.

There’s this guy, from Warnbro in Perth’s south. Never heard of him.

Sam Worthington, everyones fav Rocko bogan.
Sam Worthington, everyones fav Rocko bogan.

Gold

Allergic to gold? you will hate Perth with a passion.

The home of gold in Australia – the ‘Perth Mint‘ is the world’s oldest still operating from its original premises.

The early history of colonial Perth and Western Australia is pretty much built on migrants coming here to strike in rich with gold.

Thats a big coin mate.
Thats a big coin mate. Hate gold? Don’t even. PerthMint.

Team Work

Hate working in teams? Stay out of Perth.

In 2014, all 2 million people in Perth (maybe only 200 but I don’t do math) worked together to save a man who forgot to ‘mind the gap’ at Stirling Station. It made news around the world. Perth sucks dude!

When It Rains (which is like, never) People Become Confused

It pretty much never rains in Perth. But when it does, it’s like a 1950’s Gene Kelly movie.

The top story on the 6pm news, live breaking news crosses all day to the Weather Bureau; office workers stop what they’re doing & stare out the window for hours.

Perth’s genuinely bad drivers become even worse! And roads flood immediately as there are no trained council workers to make storm water drains.

The World’s Most Successful Sports Teams

Hate winning?

Pretty much every Perth team competing in any national sports league is kicking arse.

The Perth Wildcats, Fremantle Dockers, West Coast Eagles, Perth Scorchers, Perth Heat – they’re all pretty much just smashing it, all the time. If you hate winning, you’ll naturally hate Perth.

Best Scientists

If you dislike humans, Perth is hell on Earth.

Perth is home to some of the world’s best medical scientists and doctors, helping cure disease and saving people’s lives like, so casually. Professor Barry Marshall (he won the Nobel Prize!), Dr Fiona Stanley, Professor Fiona Wood are the most famous. But who cares, Perth is a terrible place.

Daniel Ricciardo

Daniel Riccardo, the good guy of F1 Motorsport.

He’s from here. Perth sucks.

Hugh Jackman

$%6* off Sydney, Hugh is ours.

First Wolverine trained in Perth at WAAPA – now he’s the greatest actor to have ever lived. Perth is the worst!

Ripped as a Hugh Jackman
Ripped as a Hugh Jackman

Secret Gardens

Perth has a f&*($ng secret garden that nobody knows about.

A secret garden. Not even people who live in Perth know about this magical secret garden. Perth sucks so bad.

Telethon

If you dislike generous, friendly people then stay the hell away from Perth.

For example, take Telethon. Perth invented the concept (copied by TV networks world-wide) back in the 1960’s.

$180 million bucks has been raised since 1968, funding one of the most successful child health research institutes in the world, plus countless other charities, NFPs and foundations.

Man Perth is so terrible.

Telethon Perth 2014
Telethon Perth 2014

Beer

If you hate craft beer, direct your anger at Perth.

The city is probably responsible for the current micro-brewery boom across Australia.

Starting in Fremantle in the late 1980’s and extending to such ventures as Little Creatures in Fremantle in the early 2000’s – Perth and SW WA is home to the best bloody beer in the entire world, probably.

Besides Creatures in Freo, there is Feral Brewery, Gage Roads Brewing Co, Nail Brewing, Homestead Brewery . South of the worst city you’ll find Eagle Bay Brewing Co, Colonial and Boston Brewery.

Wine

Forget the Barossa or Napa Valley, Chile, France, Spain or whatever.

The best wine is produced right here in The Swan Valley and south to the Great Southern and Margaret River regions.

Seafood

Perth is terrible because we have all the best seafood in the world.

If you hate the idea of great fishing or snorkelling to catch $100kg lobster, you don’t want to be here. Worst city ever.

Hot People

Hate the thought of being anywhere near hot people?

All this sunlight and good living has made Perth people hot. Like a Trinidad Scorpion Butch Taylor pepper at the Freo Chilli Fest, Perth people are way too hot for out of towner’s to handle. So just don’t even come here at all.

Random collection of Perth Models.
Random collection of Perth Models.

People in Perth Are Rich (Mostly)

There are more self made millionaires per-capita in Perth than any other city in the world.

In your face San Francisco, Shanghai and Singapore – In your face!

The average full-time adult weekly income in WA for 2014 was A$1,673.10 (compared to A$1,406.80 in Australia as a whole). If you hate rich people, Perth is actually the worst city to want to live in.

Street Art

So you hate cool stuff? Don’t bother with this town.

Melbourne can go away now because Perth is home to the best street are you have ever seen.

Perth has so much outrageously good street art there are probably no street facing walls left to paint. Artist like home-grown lad Chris Nixon are outrageously good at this. If you think cool and inspiring street art sucks, then don’t even bother with this town.

Want to see more? http://www.streetsofperthwa.com have you covered.

Bars

If you hate getting drunk in the classiest way possible, stay out of Perth.

Perth’s small bars are all pretty new, but just about the best in the world. Varnish on King is Australia’s best (they also have bacon) and there are many kick-ass bars teaming all over the place theses days, thanks to recent de-regulation. Sucks to live in Perth.

Perth’s best small bars

All our latest news on Perth eats and drinks

More Restaurants

Perth's Restaurants suck
Perth’s Restaurants suck. Matilda Bay.

Dislike food? Perth is not your town.

There are more restaurants per-capita than any other city in Australia.

This means you will quite likely starve to death because you have too many options. Also, there are no good restaurants in town. Especially Nobu, Rockpool, Print Hall and Restaurant Amuse. You should never go to these places.

The Fun Police

Having to put up with cops that are funny… no thanks.

Kings Park

If you hate stunning views, beautiful wildflowers, gorgeous picnic spots and natural bushland, please avoid this crappy city at all costs.

Kings Park is pretty much the worst idea Perth ever had. Expect to experience families enjoying picnics and frisbee, romantic dates, long-walks, the feeling of being deep in the Australian bush. But you won’t ever be visiting because Perth sucks balls.

Quokkas (Rottnest and Quokkas!) & Quokka Selfies!

Just Quokkas, all the time.

Quokka Selfies all the time.

Quokkas make Perth the worst.
[slideshow_deploy id=’1949′]

So there you have it, Perth really is the worst city on Earth. In the world even. You have been warned.

Argue with me – why isn’t Perth the worst city in the world? Tweet me at @RyanNorthover & @TweetPerth using #PerthWorstCity

#DontMentionTheSharks